Thanks for reading – it’s been fun and I’m sure I’ll be back.  But for now, I’m going to enjoy my life and stop writing about it and simply just keep on living it.  I’ll get what I need (musical and inspirational) from my wonderful friends who I mention in my blog roll.   For now, I will sit on the sideline with my thoughts and my mouth shut.  I spent a few years blabbing on about things – it’s going to feel really nice to take a break from that for a while.

I am about to turn 32, I am single, and I am blissfully happy.

This topic has become a hot one as of late because at my current place in life I seem to be surrounded by a lot of newly single people who are looking to me for guidance as how to handle this unfamiliar territory.  At first it bugged me that I was becoming the guru of singledom, but then as I started to actually listen to their pleas, I really heard what they were saying to me.  They are in admiration of how I live my life as a very happy single person who hasn’t given up on love and having a successful and healthy romantic relationship.  Before I go any further let’s take a moment to  recap on how I got to this point…

The reality of what brought me to this point was the fact that I made an effort to get here.  I decided I wanted to change my thinking and my views on the world and my life, so I worked to discover from within what makes me happy and what kind of life I want to lead.  Case in point – this blog and the subtitle I gave it back when I first started.  I was in a consistent rut of dead-end ‘love’ situations and losing myself  when a giant kick in the head came my way and made me realize it was time to get out and let go of this cycle for good.  It was an uphill battle over that period of time, but damnit the view looks pretty friggin awesome from the top now that I’m here.

Back to my original point.  When I’m approached by these newly single (and often younger girls) on what to do,  I now always tell them the cliché (but true!) answer of you have to find out what makes you happy first.  Not what society tells you, not what your parents or friends tell you, but what your gut and every inside part of you tells you.  Do the things that you talked about doing when you were a kid.  Do the things you sit and daydream about while you’re at work.  Do the things that scare the living shit out of you.  Toss all excuses aside and find a way to make them happen.  Because you know what – these are the things that make you happy.  Not roses on Valentines Day from a boyfriend you may or may not give a crap about when it all boils down to it.   (I’m sorry, but if I talk about my favorite band in a more positive way than you talk about the man you ‘love’ then something is seriously wrong with your relationship and no you don’t want to marry him).

Yes, I read a lot of self-help books and yes, I’m a seriously big self-reflector, but I don’t need that to realize if you’re not happy in your life as a single person, you’re sure as hell not going to be happy as someone’s other half.  Trust me and everyone that tells you the same – another person can’t make you happy and pretending they do or will is the recipe for disaster.  If you find yourself in a bad relationship, you may sugar coat it and put on a good front, but deep down the resentment and regret is brewing, creating the death cocktail of your relationship.  I can say all of this because I have lived it in some shape or form over and over again.  I wanted so badly to be in love that I grasped at straws trying to put anything I could together all the while wondering why I wasn’t happy.  The simple answer revealed itself and I am forever grateful to have seen and ran with it. 

Now to all you unhappy single ladies out there this is my advice to you.  Explore.  Life, the world, the unknown – all of it.  Get out there and start your own journey to figure out what really makes you happy – ON.YOUR.OWN.  Grab your best single girlfriends for support (if you don’t have any, make some STAT for they will be your lifeblood), and get out there and experience life.  It will bring you to levels of happiness you never knew existed.  And while you are doing this, keep the faith.  I know it sounds corny but part of the key to being happily single is to remain bitterness free.  Cliché number 2 – your time will come.  If being attached is something you really want in life (myself included), it will come when you just start enjoying life and let the negative feelings, ideas, and needs go.  There is a reason why I find myself getting hit on, talked to, etc more and more these days – the happiness is coming through and the negativity is gone.  I know it will happen for me one day and I know how right it all will be.  Until then I’m going to have a damn good time on my own.  And best part, I know that when the relationship comes I won’t change a thing about how I live my life.  I will simply just have a partner in crime. 

PS – Age is nothing but a number.

I have had the privilege to meet and befriend a select few who truly understand the power that music can hold and the meaning it can bring to one’s life.  Forgive me if I’m about to come across as a music snob at this point, but I need to say this: not everyone truly gets it.  I have referenced my favorite movie before and I’m about to do it again, because it is the best quote to convey exactly what I’m talking about.  In the gem of America cinema known as “Almost Famous” the band-aid Sapphire speaks the most poignant words of the film; the ones that made me weep with relief and joy that there were people out there (albeit fiction) that understood me and how I felt.  She said, ”They don’t even know what it’s like to be a fan.  To truly love some little piece of music or some band so much that it hurts”.  Now just picture me in the movie theater  trying to hide how hard I was crying tears of joy from those words that gave me a sense of relief that I wasn’t crazy for holding such a big piece of my heart for music and the people who bring it to me.  (Yes, I was also twenty-one and beyond emotionally unstable, but still it would most likely have a similar effect on me if I had just seen it for the first time today).

Back to the people who ’get it’.  We are the ones that take our love one step further than the average music fan.  We are the people who can give you an accurate play by play of some of our favorite shows.  We are the people who apply and follow rules when it comes to music listening, concert attending, mixtape making, and the art of a healthy debate on the state of music then and now.  We are the people who don’t just hear the music, but we feel it.  Not just in our ears and our toes, but our breath, our hearts and our souls.  If you want to find us, just go to a show where you can clearly see the faces of those in attendance and take a close look.  The hardcore music lovers have a smile on their face that can’t be faked.  It is the glow of someone totally in the moment and in tune with the artist and what they are putting forward through the speakers and beyond.  Now look at the person next to them.  They might be smiling, bobbing their heads, and even fumbling through the lyrics, but do they have that glow?  Nope.  Nothing against them, I’m all for anyone supporting music in any way shape or form (well not really those that buy Paris Hilton or Miley Cyrus albums but that’s for another post), but it really just isn’t the same. 

I don’t mean to sound judgemental of music ‘likers’ out there, but you never will and probably never could understand what music means to me.  And that’s okay.  We all have our passions and I hope to god you have something other than music cause a passionless person is one I simply cannot understand and to be honest one I feel badly for (you’re missing out!)  If I didn’t have a heart and soul that was devoted to music then I’m not really sure how I’d get through a good chunk of my days.  Yes, I love my friends, family and my other hobbies in life, but damnit how do you get through a bad day without your favorite song?  How do you celebrate a special occasion without a special made mix?  How do you express how you feel without song lyrics?  Yep, not a life I can nor want to understand. 

In a nutshell of what turned out to be a very long rant – I am a music lover.  I will always be the ten-year old that was on the cover of the local paper wearing a Bon Jovi t-shirt.  I will always travel to see music before I travel to do something ‘responsible’.  I will always be the girl who would sit on hold for hours waiting for Z100 to play my request.  I will always write down my favorite lyrics, I will always talk about my favorite band, I will always cry when a song tugs at my heart, and I will always sing along at the top of my lungs when an eighties classic comes on the radio.  

If you dare to call me a groupie, I will give you an earful like you wouldn’t believe.  For I am not a groupie, I am a band-aid.  And we are here for the music.    

To backtrack (for those of you that don’t know) – I am a rock boat veteran.  I went on my first boat alone in 2004 and I have been going ever since.  For some reason or other (roommate issues, guy stuff, etc) I have had a case of tears and moments of unhappiness on each and every boat – until now.  It’s no coincidence that this happened this year – 2010 for me was a new beginning and a very happy one at that.  I let go of my past, cleared my demons, and created a new and wonderful life for myself that opened the door to an unending stream of happiness.  This made way for me to have what I can safely say was my best and most favorite rock boat yet.  Of course there were a few things I would have loved to change (Krissie’s absence and my pre boat weight gain), but I had an amazing time with the understanding that everything can’t be 100% perfect, and I made the best of it all.

The best way for me to describe why it was so perfect is to create a list of my favorite moments.  I know a lot of these won’t be understood by anyone but me or the people involved, but blogging them here is the best way I can think of to keep these memories alive and remembered for myself.  I hope some of you can understand them and laugh and smile along with me.  And to those of you that don’t – maybe it’s some incentive to join us on the cruise next year.  I haven’t decided if I’m returning yet but I learned long ago – never say never.  Like I said at breakfast on the last day – it will only take five simple words to get me back on – I’m pretty sure you can easily figure those out. 

My Rock Boat XI Favorite Moments (in no particular order except for the first two!)

1.  Will Hoge singing “Woman, Be Strong” in the Paris Lounge.  I have seen Will Hoge many times since I first saw him on the boat in 2004.  If I actually sat down and counted he would probably be in my top 20 of most seen artists.  With that said this is not the first time I have seen him sing this song but my god it was by far the best.  The emotion that he put into this song in the Paris Lounge was like nothing I have seen before.  You could hear a pin drop while at the same time the fists of everyone in attendance were flying.  It was a rock and roll moment like I have never seen before.  Kudos, Will Hoge.  You truly are a rock and roll god.

2.   I know I’m insanely biased, but I think everyone on the lido deck at midnight on Saturday, January 9th would agree with me – Goose’s Guilty Pleasures was one of the best rock boat shows EVER.  It might not have been a show of original music, but damn was it some of the best performances/jams I have ever seen in my seven time rock boat career.  Goose kicked off the night with New Kids on The Block (joined by Matt Wertz) and the artists poured on stage song after song to sing 70s/80s/90s hits that everyone knows the words to but doesn’t want to admit.  The entire show was phenomenal but my highlights were Goose solo on “Genie in a Bottle”, Sam Thacker Rick-rolling us with “Never Gonna Give You Up”, and the amazing Antigone Rising doing “99 Red Balloons” half of in it Nena’s original tongue as “99 Luft Balloons”. 

3.   Forgive me for taking this long to mention this but it really deserves the top spot – my friends.  I am not exaggerating one bit when I say this but every single friend I have on the boat is because of the boat.  They are all people I met either on the cruise or through someone I met on the cruise and I love each and every one of them in their own little way and the trip just wouldn’t be complete without them.  The amount of times I was doubled over with laughter outweighed the times I wasn’t.  Just ask Lee, Cory, or Jen who supplied a good chunk of the laughs.  It isn’t just the laughter but it’s being with people who understand in you one way or another.  Whether they know that you get sick of people after a while and just need to disappear, or they know what the band means to you, or they simply know how to have fun, these are the people who make The Rock Boat so special to me.  Thank you to each and every one of you that I spent time with onboard -  Special shout outs to my Charlotte people, the Chicago crew (the newly expanded one!), the Tri-State area folks, Cory, Erinn, Deidra, Mandy and my very tolerant while intolerable roomie Jen.  I love you all and thank you for making this trip so amazing.  I hope we all see each other next year or even better sometime before that.  

4.   I love to gamble but I don’t usually do it all that much on the boat cause I know I’m going to spend a ton of money elsewhere (um, the bar), but this year I said screw it and plopped myself down at the roulette table.  Okay, it wasn’t that simple.  My wonderful friend Lee was playing and I joined him and his only guy friend on the boat, J. Whiskey, for what would be one of my favorite rounds of roulette ever.  It got to the point where J.Whiskey was literally throwing chips down and playing whatever numbers they landed on – he even won with this method a few times.  We also had the bass player from NEEDTOBREATHE running back and forth between roulette tables playing his same numbers in multiple spots.  Yes, this all happened and it’s really just another random night on the rock boat.    Sadly, I didn’t win, but I had the best time closing down the casino with these boys.  (Who knew the casino actually closed?!  Well, it does at 6:30am and I found that out first hand that night…um, morning.)

5.  Tim Brantley - you rocked my world.  Enough said.

6.  Super Fun and I had the pleasure of spending a good chuck of time with the absolutely wonderful Erinn and Cory.  We had so many side-splitting moments but hands down my favorite one came in the buffet area after we got back from Costa Maya.  Jen is a giant loudmouth that will talk to anyone and also embarrass anyone but the one person she gets shy around is Matt Wertz.  The curls of his hair have some weird power over her and she turns into a quiet little schoolgirl.  So when Matt Wertz approached the pizza area right near where we were sitting, Cory decided to flip the script on Jen and give her a taste of her own medicine.  Jen is hiding in the booth and the next thing I hear is “Hey Matt Wertz, how do you like the chicken strips?”  Wonderful, little Cory decided now was the best time to hear Matt’s take on the food.  I literally thought I was going to wet myself the moment Matt turned around to talk to Cory – I could not stop laughing.  Bravo Cory.  I will love you forever for this unforgettable moment.  Not only for making me laugh so hard but for also embarrassing the hell out of Jen.  Karma is a bitch.

7.  Matt Duke and Antigone Rising – I knew both artists back in the day, but they have both come such a long way since I first checked them out.  Their sets on the boat proved that artists can evolve so much over time and are worth second chances.  You both rocked it out and I believe gained a whole bunch of new fans while on the boat.  Speaking of Matt Duke gaining fans…

8.  The boat was full of firsts for me.  No tears, I remember everything (except for late night pre-party but that doesn’t count), I paced myself better than I ever have before, I took off my cover up and went in the pool in Mexico, and last but not least I got myself on a first name basis with an artist on the boat.  This is a big deal because A) I never do this B) it was Goose (or Kit as I know prefer to call him).  I don’t usually interact with the bands because I usually always say or do something stupid so I just keep my ‘fandom’ at a distance.  Well not this time and damn it was worth it.  He couldn’t have been nicer and we had a few fun conversations one of them being about Matt Duke.  Not going to lie, it’s kinda nice walking down the hallway of the boat and having your favorite bass player stop to wave and say hi.  I know this sounds kinda fangirl-ish but I don’t care – it made my boat. 

9.  Another great and very ego boosting moment came during my time playing roulette when I had this rather adorable gentlemen hit on me.  It was very flattering and nice until someone said something to him about his show being a great one to which I exclaimed “so what band are you in?”  Apparently, he didn’t like that too much and decided to stop talking to me.  Oops – I guess I bruised his  rock star ego.  Hell, there are a lot of bands on this boat, I can’t know them all!  Ironically, he was from what most would consider the biggest (as in pop star status) band on the boat.  My bad, but thanks name-which-rhymes-with-Moe for telling me how I cute I am.  It really made my night.

10.  Matt Wertz makes me happy and his new music makes me even happier.  New album this spring.  Get excited.  With the preview we got I know I am.

There are so many other moments to highlight (Ingram Hill, Costa Maya, the Promenade, Lee’s son), but I think I’ll leave it at ten.  Can’t wait to see what the boat brings next year.  Oh wait, I haven’t decided if I’m going yet…

The most important part of the road trip is the company you keep, and that can either make or unfortunately break the trip.  Nothing sucks more than being in the car with someone who is getting on your nerves, asleep the whole time, or just plain ol’ bad at having a good conversation or singing to a rocking 80′s jam at the top of their lungs.  Trust me, I’ve experienced it – I was on a 5 hour road trip with someone and we must have spent about 10% of the time talking – the rest was just dead, horrible silence.  He wasn’t much of a talker and I gave up trying to make him one.  That was our first and last road trip together.  

But on a good note, I’ve had countless great road trips through various states, with various people, for various reasons.  There have been a lot of laughs, a lot of calories consumed, and so many great rocking out moments it would put Tommy Boy and David Spade to shame.  The road trip has helped to bring my count of US states visited to 28 – and I will get to all 50 one of these days!  The best part – it’s a simple happiness moment to achieve.  All you need to do is get in the car and drive. 

What better way to kick off my first official “what makes me happy” category, then my beloved Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers.  If I had to rank what brings a smile to my face, SK6ERS would be at the very top of that list, so it’s very fitting that they come first.  The best way for me to convey the joy they bring to me is to share with you my favorite song.  Ladies and gents, I give you “Days” – my favorite song OF ALL TIME (just check the play count on my iPod for proof). 

If you listen to the lyrics and you know me, it makes sense in an instant.  If you don’t know me, then form an opinion on what I am like based on what you read and see below; I will be completely fine with that.  From my own description, this song represents everything that I strive to be – happy, hopeful, confident, positive and fun – I hope my self reflection is accurate.

Many thanks to diversdevotion79 for posting this on You Tube – if you ever stumble across this post I hope you don’t mind that I’m sharing your video.  I was at this show and I would have loved to record it, but I was too busy screaming and jumping up and down like a lunatic.  That’s what happens when you mix me, The Rock Boat, a Bon Jovi intro and SK6ERS singing “Days”.  Actually, it just happens anytime I see them live – I am a perfect example of “dance like no one is watching” when I’m at a SK6ERS show.  They make me happy and I’m not afraid to show it.

A day like today just feels so good,
Everything going as it should
The mystery is understood
Just like my momma said that it would
So act the way you dream you could
And dream the way an actor would
*You relieve the clouds of rain,
You remind me that they’ll be other days
And it goes without saying, if you should catch me praying
It’s for days just like this one today

Pick me up at 12:15 when the sun is riding high
Wear your old jean shorts for me, the ones that you cut just above the thigh
You know I’ve always loved you, so don’t make me tell you why
When you let me do my thing, I’m a different guy

Let’s break it down to a level I can understand,
You be the woman and I will be your man
When you’re feeling it, you just know where you stand
And I walk with my head held high when I can
Not everyday’s so easy and they’re tough to plan
When the good day comes, you’ve got to do as the good day demands

I know for many of you Facebook serves as a very useful tool.  It helps you network, it keeps you in touch with distant relatives, or it helps you to promote your brand, company, etc.  But for me, it added nothing to my life but stress, anger, guilt and often times jealousy and sadness – all emotions that I didn’t want to feel let alone from something as silly as a damn website.  I would get aggravated by people who put their relationships on display (which I still don’t understand – but to each his insecure own), I would get upset when pictures of myself were tagged (um, ask me first, please!), I would get annoyed that it began to consume so much of my day.  When the decision was made to cut the cord and never turn back  it was like this giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  Freedom from the pressure of being socially connected was now achieved and I couldn’t be happier (yes, I use twitter but that’s a different form of social networking in my mind and I will argue it with anyone). 

With the removal of Facebook (I was always a MySpace girl at heart anyways), I was able to focus on giving the relationships in my life the kind of attention they deserved.  The kind that takes a genuine caring and thought that the social sites had removed.  It is now up to me to remember someone’s birthday and to send them a note about it.  No more relying on the ‘because I should’ wishes Facebook would throw in your face.  Don’t get me wrong, the birthday I had on Facebook was nice cause I had a ton of well wishes, but the one this year was even better cause all the greetings I had were truly genuine and came from the people who didn’t need an online reminder, they were the ones who remembered me in their hearts. 

I’m still not the friend I want to be (I’m slow on emails and bad with the phone), but I’m a hell of a lot closer to it then I was while on Facebook.  I have removed so much of the chatter from my life and I’ve focused on the people worth my attention.  Forget the high school boyfriend who I haven’t seen in ten years, or the co-worker I lost touch with from my job eight years ago; the people I now give my energy to are the people who deserve it.  These are the ones who add things to my life that are beyond explanation. 

My apologies to those I left behind, but I have learned not everyone is meant to be in your life forever and you shouldn’t hold onto something because you feel it’s the right thing to do.  That is not fair to anyone.  The point is to take the lessons you learned from your time together and be happy for what you had.  Then do what is hard but very important -  wish them well in your heart and move on (and I’m talking both platonic and romantic relationships here – it’s not just boyfriends/girlfriends we have to say goodbye to – not all friendships are meant to last either).

So, to Facebook, I thank you.  I am truly grateful for your existence because it made me a better friend.  Becoming wrapped up in your network made me realize I had to escape and tune in to what is important.  It made me pick up a pen and send a card to a loved one.  It made me value what is near me and not what is behind me.  It made me work harder for the future instead of dwelling on the past.  It made me happy to be me – without any outside validation or “likes”.  Who needs two hundred people who ‘know’ you when you have ten people who genuinely love you and don’t need a website to find you?

And just a note to support my point - out of my six best friends from high school (4 posse members and our 2 best guy friends) – only one of us is on Facebook.  How do you like ‘dem apples?!?!

I took the first step by moving to Charlotte but as we know it wasn’t the right place or time for me – my run with Boston just wasn’t complete.  It brought me back because I had some lessons to learn and my dream job to fill.  Now that I’m here and working hard and happily it’s giving me the space to daydream again and fantasize about my life to come.  What it also is giving me is the money to start paying off debts and saving for my future (fingers crossed my stock options bring me millions!)  Repeat with me people – everything happens for a reason. 

Daydreaming was ALWAYS a part of my daily life growing up.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been told to get my head out of the clouds, or that I live in my own dream world, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I put the brakes on that a few years ago and damn have I missed it.  Creating a fantasy world inside my head gives me an excitement for the future and for all you non-believers out there many scenarios I’ve created in my head have come to life. I fully plan on this latest one happening as well because it is definitely a keeper.

There really is no harm in daydreaming – what is the harm is not fulfilling those dreams.  Isn’t that the point of life?  So you can work hard to make your dreams come true.  I’m the girl who has always had trouble saving, but now that I have a clear picture in my mind of what I know I want my future to look like, the debt seems to be disappearing a lot quicker and the savings are adding up at a better pace then I’ve ever seen for myself.  All due to the picture in my mind of my house in Franklin, TN (not too far from Music City!), and my dog Riggins by my side.  There are a few other elements added in my dream world but those are most definitely being kept to myself and a few other individuals I trust with my secrets (sometimes you need a little help fulfilling dreams!) 

The more people talk around the office about how their biotech related stock bought their houses, etc, the more determined I am to help make my company a success.  One dream fuels another and it’s all just a matter of time.  For now, I’ll keep enjoying Beantown for it’s the place that is bringing me one step closer to my dreams.

Franklin, TN

Riggins

I have struggled with self-esteem issues for a really long time, but the most prevalent being during college.  I’m not sure what it was about that time – the new surroundings, new people, unfamiliarity of it all – but as an undergrad I developed a ton of insecurities that I never had before and it brought me to a very low view of myself.  I was thrown into a situation where I had to meet a ton of new people for the first time since I started high school and with that daunting task my self-image plummeted.  As my blog readers know, I have had the same group of girlfriend since elementary school so being without that crutch for the first time in my life was beyond overwhelming.  Here I was in a new place, starting from scratch, and I was terrified.

I really have no idea how the idea got into my head, but from day one I was convinced no one would like me.  My thoughts were the following: I was fat, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t funny, etc.  Every negative thing a person could think about themself – I did – times ten.  Unfortunately, this caused a very large wall to form around me and I retreated within myself.  Instead of being open and friendly to everyone, I was guarded and suspicious.  Thankfully, I managed to open up to some people and create a handful of amazing friendships that I have to this day, but I very much wasn’t the person that I am today.  This is why when graduation day came I was more than happy to leave and start all over again.

All of this brings me to  today and the state of shock and gratitude that I currently have seeing the multitude of friendships I have formed over the last few years and that I’m still forming.  To have people regularly telling me how great I am, how much they enjoy having me as a friend, and that I’m the kind of person every wants to be near, is best feeling in the world for someone who spent years convinced that I wasn’t a ‘likeable’ person.