“I know we need the money, though I hope it doesn’t show” January 25, 2010

Money has never really been my best friend.  My entire life I’ve never really had a lot of money saved.  Even when I was a kid my savings account never really grew, even after birthdays and holidays, because I would always find a way to spend what I had.  Funny considering I was a tomboy who couldn’t care less about buying material things.  In my younger days, my funds were spent at the arcade and on games and as I got older all of my money went to concert tickets and traveling and that has pretty much as stayed the same since. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t regret for a second what I’ve spent my money on (okay, maybe the $1000 I spent on my facials was a little extravagant, but my skin was so bad and I was desperate!) I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen many shows and eaten a lot of fabulous meals –  all life experiences that were worth every penny.  What I do regret is that I never stuck to a savings plan until earlier this year.

I started plotting my move to Charlotte pretty early on and knew that I had to save a lot to build myself a bit of a cushion.  I successfully stashed away a bunch of money, but what I didn’t expect (nor did anyone really) was that I would leave and end up being without a paycheck for five full months.  I managed to keep my head above water for the longest time, but now I’m sinking and sinking fast.  Thankfully, I have very generous parents to help bail me out (I will pay them back immediately!), but it’s not a feeling that I am enjoying at all.  These have been my life choices and I really didn’t want them to become a burden for anyone but myself.  Unfortunately, my car loan people could give a crap about that and they want their money! And to top it all off my account number was stolen so what little money I had left, I now have to fight for in a fraud claim.  Awesome.

But here’s the moral of the story.  No matter how low things can get at times you just have to remember that they will always go back up.  I’m blessed to have parents who believe in putting their child first no matter what.  I’m blessed to have friends that buy me drinks or dinner cause they know that if it were the other way around, I would do the same.  I’m trying not to hate money right now, but it’s been tough these last few days.  It will get better I know it.  I just have to hang in there.  And I have to really apply this lesson learned once I start collecting a paycheck again.  But don’t be surprised when I tell you I’ve booked a flight somewhere.  Yes, I can learn to save, but a girl can still have fun while doing it!

“Keep your head above water, but don’t forget to breathe” January 19, 2010

With all of my full on gushing on twitter about Sundance I figured what better way to resolve my “I wish I was there” issues then with a full on post about it.  Writing about the festival will help me relive my memories and give me that extra ‘umph’ to motivate myself to plan for a future visit. 

Back in 2007 I was fortunate enough to attend The Sundance Film Festival for my job.  My boss decided that as a reward for all of our hard work, we would take a department field trip out to Park City for the fest.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I got to attend a festival I’ve always dreamed of going to on someone else’s dime.  Margaritas in the airport never tasted so good!  The only downside was that myself and one other co-worker were only able to attend for a mere 48 hours because someone needed to be in the office and we were the two deemed necessary to go back (oh, my boss got an earful from me like you wouldn’t believe, but that’s a whole other story!)

What happened over the next two days would go down as one of my top ten experiences of my life.  As an avid movie watcher and lover (and Hollywood enthusiast) Sundance is something I’ve always dreamed of attending.  Luckily, it happened and it ended up being better than I ever could have imagined.  In my mere 48 hours (factor in traveling time, etc) I got to see four movies, Alexi Murdoch at the ASCAP Lounge, met John Cusack, hit up one product lounge for free swag (and ran into Zooey Deschanel & Patrick Fugit on the way out!!!), had dinner at Robert Redford’s restaurant and sat next to Mandy Moore at lunch.  Yep, pretty much a dream come true all in a day and a half.   This is why after countless nights till 1am at my old job I will still say how thankful I am for the experiences it gave me. 

Here’s the thing.  Even if all those ‘celebrity’ things didn’t happen, I still would have had the most amazing time ever.  I got the chance to be part of a community that celebrates film the way it should.  The festival volunteers were some of the nicest people I’ve ever dealt with at something of that size.  The people you talked to while waiting for your show were so friendly and ready to share their thoughts on what films to see.  I got a chance to get to know some of my co-workers better and developed friendships that I still have to this day.  I saw another part of the world that I absolutely fell in love with and hope to return to someday for a longer trip.  Was it awesome having everything paid for? Yes.  Was it amazing to stand in a lounge sipping a martini while Dakota Fanning was in the other room? Yes.  Would I do it all again minus all of those things?  Absolutely.  It’s all about being a part of something you love – even if you don’t meet the one and only Lloyd Dobler.

Side note – Meeting John Cuscack was such an amazing (and nerve-wracking) moment for me and he was as cool in person as you think he would be (he even had a long black coat on like in Must Love Dogs!!!)  I got an introduction to him, via my boss, from his producer on the film ‘Grace Is Gone’ which he was promoting at Sundance.  It’s an amazing film that I highly suggest you check out.  It’s Cusack as you’ve never seen him and (in my opinion) one of his best performances to date.  Just make sure you have some tissues handy while watching – you’ll need them!

“So look inside yourself and find something else that keeps you hanging on” January 13, 2010

Rock Boat X is now over so here comes the inevitable post-cruise post.  I sat for a while contemplating what I wanted to write about as many topics flew through my head.  Would it be about how I broke my promise to myself by crying on the ship?  Would it be about how much I hate my drunk self?  Would it be about how sometimes a very big mistake can save you from making an even bigger one?  Or maybe about how I lost myself and who I am and what I believe in for a night or two?  I hate to break it to your inquiring minds but it’s not about any of those topics.  I’m done dwelling on the negative and I choose to only look at the positives from here on out.

This was the rock boat where I took the time to cherish the friends around me and clearly see what supportive people can do for you at any given time.  Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or a friend with Dramamine to spare, I was surrounded by so many loving friends.   They reminded me that at your darkest hour you’re never alone in this world,  and at your best hour it’s even better when you share it with the ones you love. 

They are people who will always forgive you no matter how many times you do something stupid.  They are the people who will sit and listen to you tell the same story over and over and pretend like it’s the first time they’ve heard it.  They are the people who will make you laugh till you fall to the floor cause they know that’s really all you need at that moment.  They are the people who will just sit with you and hold your hand while you cry your eyes out in a darkened booth at the back of a lounge.  They are the people who video your favorite artist cause they know you are missing it.  They are the people who give you a free drink because they can see the look on your face that a simple act of generosity is exactly what you need.  They are the people who put a smile on your face just by walking by and saying hi.  They are the people who will race to the stage to steal you the set list from your favorite band because they know how much it means to you.  They are the people who tell you exactly what you need to hear even when they know it hurts. 

These are my rock boat friends.  These are my forever friends.  Thank you for making my last boat the most special.  I hope to see you all somewhere soon!

“You live and learn, me, well I learned to let go” January 3, 2010

I’m still trying to grasp that we’re a decade into the 2000’s and that next year will be ten years since I graduated college, but what I have come to terms with is that 2010 is a new start. 

I’m self admittedly a late bloomer.  I went through things in college that people went through in high school.  I acted like I was in college when I was in my early twenties in Hoboken.  I found my independence years after most.  I let my guard down and my feelings out at the ripe ‘old’ age of 29.  The one thing I didn’t learn until now was that it was okay to be ’behind’ everyone.  I repeatedly beat myself up for being ‘late’ on life, but I now realize it’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.  In reality, it all happened because I had a really good childhood.  I’m not saying that those ahead of me didn’t, I just never felt the need to ‘grow up’ for a while because being a kid was so good to me.

I was never that girl who ’needed’ a boyfriend because I had my dad.  I had the best guy friends in high school (that I still have to this day) so I never felt at a loss for being single.  I pursued dead-end relationships out of safety because I wasn’t at the point of letting go.  Nor did I ever really understand what I wanted until now.  No more being mad at myself for being behind the curve.  So I learned things a little bit later, so what?!  It’s actually been a blessing in disguise as I watch unhappy people around me figure out things a little bit too late. 

Now I’m the one ahead of things.  Because I’ve taken my time to make a lot of mistakes (and I use that word loosely), I can now craft the exact life I want for myself.  No more beating myself up for things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of and I now regret (sadly, I now have some regrets in life, but it is what it is and I can’t change that).   I can’t keep myself down any longer.  As cliché as it is I feel like it’s my time to shine.

For those of you that were there for me during this decade in any way, shape or form, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I will always treasure these ten years for the friends it brought into my life.  Even if it might not seem like it at times, I love you all so much.  Each and every one of you.  I couldn’t have become the person I am today without all of you and I’m forever grateful.  Now that I’ve learned how to truly be a best friend, I plan on putting that to good use in 2010.   You know where to find me if you need me – I’m ready to return the favors you have all given to me!

“You mean you forgot cranberries too?” December 23, 2009

Happy Hanukkah (sorry, I’m late), Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, etc, etc, etc. 

My family celebrates Christmas and this year I’m really excited for it.  Not the actual holiday itself, but for the many things I have to look forward to after it’s over.  First, is my Christmas present to myself, which is a road trip to DC with a friend to see two of my favorite bands whom are playing together.  Not only do I get to spend quality, post holiday-pre-boat, time with friend but I get to cross another venue off my list – awesome! 

Then there’s a few job interviews to look forward to and then it’s New Year’s.  I haven’t finalized my plans for the actual night yet, but honestly it doesn’t really matter to me.  I’m going to have a great time regardless of what I do.  I haven’t been this excited to start a new year in a really long time.  2009 has been dubbed my lessons learned year and I’m looking forward to using all those lessons to make 2010 my golden year aka my best year yet. 

2010 is going to be the year I’ve been waiting for for a really long time.  I’m going to cherish the relationships that add value to my life in every way possible (*cough* road tips *cough*) and I’m going to embrace with open arms the new ones that come my way.  I’m going to leave every door open to possibility and step through whichever ones make me happy.  It’s the year of doing things for me and no one else.  This will be the year of nourishing my soul.  I hope it will be the same for you.

“She likes people, keeping it simple” December 20, 2009

My eight year old nephew (well not technically for those that know I’m an only child) was asking me about my Christmas list the other day.  At first he was shocked to know that at thirty years old I still make a list (for those that know my parents it shouldn’t be the least bit surprising), but then he was intrigued at what I would possibly ask for.  His list is composed of every electronic gadget under the sun that he doesn’t already have while mine is a little more on the practical side (perfume, a coat, hair curlers, and a Kindle if Santa feels like being overly generous).  Upon reciting said list to him it made me realize how simple of a person I really am.  Then as I looked down at what I was wearing it made me laugh and the point was further confirmed.  I was wearing my trust zip up jacket.

I hope everyone has a piece of clothing like my zip up jacket.  I’ve had this thing for years now (I’ve honestly lost count) and I love it so much.  I’m pretty sure I got it at Target or somewhere similar for like $10 which makes it that more awesome.  It’s become my safety blanket.  I wear it on flights.  I wear it when I need comfort.  I wear it whenever I want to smile.  It’s beat up and it sure as hell isn’t ‘fashionable’ on any level whatsoever, but I don’t care.  I love wearing it and in turn I think that shows on my face making it worth the wear even for a night out.

It’s funny that I’ve devoted a whole post to my jacket, but I think you can read beyond that.  Sometimes there are things in life that make you feel good and only you can understand why.  Mine just happens to come in the form of a sweatshirt. 

My trusty zip-up jacket

“I can hear the ringing of a beat up old guitar” December 17, 2009

It’s that time of year again.  Countdown to The Rock Boat time!  It’s even more heightened for me this year because I currently have a lot of time on my hands, so I’m overly excited to have something to do.  This year’s boat is special for me for many reasons.  It’s my last one so I plan on making it the best one yet.  I have the ideal room situation for the first time in six years of going on the boat.  My favorite band on the planet will be onboard as well as some other equally as fabulous artists.  But the most important reason of all and the one I’m looking forward to the most is being  with friends that mean the world to me.

2010 is my self-proclaimed “best year yet” and I couldn’t think of a better way to kick things off.  Many of my friendships were put through the ringer this year and I’m happy to say that most weathered the storm.  Lucky for me, a lot of these people will be on the cruise and I can’t wait to celebrate the new year with them.  This will be the boat that I have always wanted to have.  I’ll be surrounded by amazing friends, listening to great music, and not a single care in the world.  Just like it should be. 

As much as I cut myself off from reality while on the boat there is usually something weighing heavily on my mind.  Not this year.  TRBX = carefree Stacy.  No tears, no drama, no shots.  It will be all smiles and a lot of singing at the top of my lungs (of course).  If one tear falls I have to go down the water slide and for a girl who never takes off her coverup, that might be the worse thing I would have to do so needless to say it will be avoided at all costs. 

If you see me on the Lido and I offer to buy you a drink, please don’t turn me down.  It’s my way of saying thank you for being there for me when I needed it most.  Cheers to being blessed with amazing friends in 2010!

“I picked a good one to love me, sweet so f-ing insane” December 15, 2009

Not sure if everyone realizes it, but all of my post titles are song lyrics.  This time it’s a line from the song Jesus Could Be Right by The Damnwells.  I’m telling you this because my post is actually completely inspired by the lyrics.  Most times I find them to best suit what I’m talking about but this time it’s the other way around.  Lyrics are (and have always) been a really big deal to me.  I started writing down quotes and lyrics in a small pad that I kept on my nightstand sometime around middle school.  I’ve kept up the habit to this day except now my notepad is a tad bit bigger.  I like lyrics and quotes because they are a good way at expressing how I feel or how I relate to something.  I’m not the best at expressing how I feel sometimes and I look to other sources to help me out.  It’s just one in the list of many reasons that I love music and books so much.

Back to these specific lyrics and where I’m going with this post.  Every time I listen to this song and I hear this line it makes me smile and laugh.  This line is exactly how I see myself in a relationship or a love situation.  I’m a great catch, but I come with a hitch.  To me, these lyrics show that he finds her ‘insanity’ endearing and I really appreciate it.  I like to think my ‘craziness’ is a quirk of mine worth appreciating and enjoying.  Yes, it may be difficult at times, but I’d rather my ‘difficulty’ be that I’m over the top emotionally and not because I am high maintenance or some other girl trait that I’m proud to not have. 

Maybe I’m delusional and it’s why I’m still single but I chose to believe the opposite.  The ‘right’ person will appreciate my little idiosyncracies as much as I do.  It keeps things entertaining that’s for sure.  In the meantime, look up this song and listen to it.  You won’t be disappointed.

“Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt” December 9, 2009

Have you ever been really conflicted about something in your life?  A situation where the two opposing views are completely different?  Well, I’ve been struggling with that lately and honestly it’s left me very confused and unsure.  I literally feel like a yo-yo.  I can’t seem to stand my ground on either feeling and I’m at the point where all the back and forth is driving me more crazy than the ‘problem’ itself.  I think it’s because I’ve never found myself in a position like this before and I’m not really all that good at handling it.  Like many things for me this year, it’s a new experience and I’m trying (albeit somewhat unsuccessful) to navigate the waters.

The biggest problem I am having is that I feel like a walking contradiction in oh so many ways.  I’m strong yet I’m weak.  I’m happy yet I’m sad.  I’m angry but I’m grateful.  This is one of the downfalls to being a very emotional person.  I feel everything and with an intensity that I don’t think a lot of people understand.  And to top it off, I don’t ‘get over’ any feeling easily. 

My solution is time but at the moment time isn’t healing because I have too much of it.  Unemployment wears thin after a while and as much as you can keep yourself busy, you really do have a lot of idle time and for me that leads to too much thinking.  Instead of worrying about my ‘ying and yang’ feelings I’m just going to let them happen naturally.  So what if I change my mind like I change my clothes?  It will all work out as it should and one of these days I will be at peace with everything.  I just have to ride out my emotional wave in the meantime.

“By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone” December 7, 2009

Isn’t it funny how in so many cases you can’t see the truth while you’re living it?  Instead you chose to see what you want and skew reality to fit an idea in your head.  Sometimes it’s done for the better and other times it’s for the worse, but you never see it for what it really is until it’s over. 

I just spent a little bit of time going through some of my old pictures and it made me see so many things in ways I’ve never seen before.  The thoughts appeared and were talked about, but the reality of it didn’t settle in until time passed.   There are pictures of friends who didn’t seem to care at the time but really cared more than you even knew.  There are pictures of friends you believed cared a lot but in reality the pictures (or lack thereof) prove the opposite.   There are the pictures of the people who wish you could have in your life again and those you could easily do without.  Pictures of the lessons you needed to learn and those you wish you learned before you had to look back on them. 

Everything you do in life is a choice that you make whether you realize it or not.  Sometimes you need the blinders on and sometimes you need a good kick in the ass to take them off.  These photographs help me to see things that I chose not to see before and while it can be really sad, it’s a great wakeup call to not make those mistakes again.  Funny how a still photo can show you the reality of a situation after it’s happened.  Take one look at your frozen memories and really pay attention to the people who show up and those that don’t.  It’s very telling if you ask me.  The people who love you want to capture those moments.  Cherish those people and hold onto them forever.  Even if it’s only in pictures.