“You don’t mind where you are, cause you know where you’ve been” November 30, 2009

Ever year I write a blog on Thanksgiving about what I’m thankful for.  This year’s Turkey Day was a little different for me, so my post is a few days late but better now than never.  Over the last few years I’ve tried to make a habit of letting those around me know how thankful I am for them.  I constantly tell my family I love them.  I either tell my friends or show them in anyway I can that I love them and am grateful for everything they do for me.  That’s why this blog is going to be a little more self-centered.  While I am thankful for many things in my life, this year there is something I’m especially grateful for and that’s me. 

This was the year I decided to be selfish and take the time to figure out myself.  I had some of my best moments this year and some of my worst.   I learned more about myself than I had ever anticipated.  I now know what makes me happy.  I know what I want.  I found my confidence and doubled it.  I took a lot of chances and they all paid off in their own way.  I became one hundred percent comfortable in my own shoes.

That’s why this Thanksgiving I’m grateful for the person I took the time to become and embraced the part of me that was already there.  I can’t even begin to describe how amazing it feels.  Yes, it wasn’t easy, but it was all worth it.  And I’m just getting started.

“We were born into a light” November 24, 2009

 

For everyone alone

I wish you faith and hope

And all the strength to cope

To be your own best friend

Have confidence and keep the faith

 

 

It took me awhile, but I finally got there.  To the place where I’m no longer afraid.  It’s been a journey (inside a journey), but I made my way to the end of this leg.  My confidence has returned and grown.  It took multiple states, a lot of tears and most importantly patience and time, but it happened.  Just like everyone promised.  And damn it feels good.  It’s like I’ve shed a layer of myself.  One that I haven’t particularly liked, but needed to experience in able to move forward. 

People are picking up on it as well.  I saw friends this weekend that I haven’t seen in months and they said I seemed like a different person.  That’s because I am.  I’m a better person.  My heart has healed, my perspective has changed, and all feels right with the world.  The minute I crossed the state line last Thursday I immediately started smiling and it hasn’t left since.  And this is a real smile.  Not one put on to convince myself or anyone else.  The kind that comes from your heart and doesn’t leave.  Just in time for my favorite holiday of the year. 

 

 

 

“Sometimes the only way is jumping, I hope you’re not afraid of heights” November 20, 2009

Sometimes in life we get second chances, but we don’t recognize them because we’re too busy looking at our previous mistakes.  But when you open your eyes and really look you realize that nothing in life is permanent except for death.  If something isn’t going right, or you’re unhappy, or you just can’t seem to figure things out – it’s okay.  You’re allowed to do things over again.  You’re allowed to change your mind.  There is never anything wrong with going home or going back.  As long as you’re always moving forward. 

As you all know, this has been my struggle as of late.  Where do I fit in?  Where do I belong?  I’m still not sure if I know the answer, but what I do know is that it’s time to face my fears and conquer them head on.  It’s time to learn from my mistakes and do things right the second (or third or fourth?!) time around.  No more doing anything to please anyone but myself.  No more hiding.  No more running.  No more being lazy.  It’s time.  2010 is rapidly approaching and it’s my “start of something new”.  It might be familiar territory, but it’s new this time because I’m looking at it with a fresh perspective and that makes all the difference. 

I’ll fill in the blanks when the time comes.  Right now I’d like to keep this one close to the vest for my own sake.  You can’t always conquer your fears if you share them with the world.  Just wish me luck on this next chapter of my journey.  I know it’s going to be a good one.

“There is time enough to waste it on these endless conversations” November 18, 2009

You ever read an article about someone or watch an interview on TV and feel like  if I had a chance to sit down and talk with this person I know I would like him or her?  That happens to me every now and again both with ‘real’ people (meaning blogs of everyday people or postings that I see somewhere) and with celebrities.  For instance,  just by reading Diablo Cody’s tweets, I know the two of us would be friends.  And back in the day when I used to post on certain message boards frequently, I could easily spot the people I knew I would get along with when we met in person.  Well, I came across another one of those today.  It’s actually a singer in a band that I love who I have met briefly on a few occasions.  He kept a blog for a few short months, but his few simple entries give me a feeling that he is one of those people.  A person who,  if given the chance to sit and talk with them for a while, you’d end up leaving very satisfied and happy with the conversation and the way the time was spent.   

http://asuckersblog.tumblr.com/page/1

 

“Everyday is a struggle between what I want to say and what I should keep to myself” November 15, 2009

After I wrote yesterday’s post, I started to think about if I was revealing a little too much of myself and my experiences/feelings.  The thoughts started to cross my mind – Am I letting in people too much?  Am I saying stuff that is better off left unsaid?  Does anybody really care to hear me ramble on about my mistakes, lessons learned, etc?  Am I hurting anyone by saying the things I do?  All of these questions weighed heavily upon me so of course I did what I do best (or for the worst),  I sat for a while and really thought about them and here’s what I came up with.

I share my thoughts as a way to help myself.  I truly believe that life is a journey and it’s all about making yourself a better person along the way.  We all make mistakes, but do we all learn from them?  That’s my goal.  By putting my feelings out there it helps me to really understand why I do the things I do and how I can improve upon them.  It’s also a way to help those that read this to understand me and to hopefully take something from it for their own lives.   If I’m hurting, offending, or demeaning someone, it’s not intentional at all.  I honestly hold no ill will towards anyone or anything in my life.  That’s a goal I’ve worked really hard to achieve and I will continue to work so I get better at it and I can uphold it. 

My mom said something to me the other night that really hit home.  She’s like “I never met someone who analyzed things and people as much as you do”.  This was my mom criticizing me (she does that well), but I spun it into something good.  Yes, I do overanalyze and think things to death, but I do it because I want to understand.  I want to get to know something on a level that goes beneath the surface.  I ask a lot of questions because I want to learn what makes a person tick and I’m happy to answer the same questions that are asked of me.  I do this because I know how happy it makes me when a person ‘gets’ me and who I am and I simply just want to return the favor.  Yes, I sometimes beat a topic to death, but it’s really meant in a good way, I promise.  But I know I can be exhausting at times and I’m trying to curb that. 

Back to my original point.  My blog isn’t meant to hurt anyone, bore anyone, or be some narcissistic rant.  It’s meant to help me figure myself out along my journey.  And I sincerely appreciate those that understand that.  I’m very grateful you take a few minutes out of your day to read my ramblings.  All 8 or so of you

“Watch The Way You Fall In Love” November 14, 2009

I don’t know why, but I’ve been in a very sharing mood lately.  I think my blog is becoming a virtual therapist of sorts for me.  I’m finding it very cathartic to pour out my heart (to some extent) to the handful of people that come to this site.  It’s like this haven where you can say what you’re feeling, yet you don’t know who you’re talking to so it’s completely safe.   I really hope you don’t mind. 

Today’s outpouring of my heart and soul is about love.  This isn’t your typical mushy meltdown or anti love rant, it’s me explaining the role it’s played in my life and what I’ve learned about myself and the topic and what I’m continuing to learn. 

I have never had a serious relationship.  The first time I told someone I loved them (outside of a friend or family member) was at the age of 29.  I constantly run away from real ‘love’ situations and instead put myself into something unattainable or unavailable.  Why has all of this happened?  Because I’m terrified of relationships and being in love.  Let me backtrack and give you a simple history.

It wasn’t until high school that the idea of liking boys popped into my head.  I grew up playing with the boys on the field and after school, so to me they were just buddies I played games with and nothing else.  Even during spin the bottle or when I got ‘called on’ to come hang out by a guy alone, the thought of what really was going on went right over my head.  Seriously.  I was a tomboy and sheltered kid – give me a break!  Then in junior high I was so miserable just trying to figure myself out I didn’t even have a second to think about guys.  Skip right to high school when I developed my first and very serious crush.  Him and I had a very weird relationship, with many ups and downs, that lasted from sophomore year and a little into my freshman year of college.  We never had a real ‘relationship’ per se.  It was just a lot of confusion spanned out over a very long period with me being pretty guarded and clueless the entire time. 

Then in college I battled with my self-esteem and kept everyone at bay.  I was convinced no one would like me and even when guys were calling or giving me their numbers, I still thought so little of myself to take them seriously.  In my typical effort to protect myself, I developed yet another crush on one unavailable guy, that took me all through college.

The following years in Hoboken were pretty much a series of everything.  Random hook-ups, pointless crushes and falling for every unavailable person that came my way.  It was my way of protecting myself and keeping the fear alive.  Always go for the person you know it will never work out with because then you’re safe.  You don’t have to be vulnerable, you don’t have to let your guard down, and you don’t have to show your faults.  It was a perfect little routine that I had worked out for myself.  I convinced people this wasn’t what I was doing, but I (and they) really knew otherwise.

This brings me to the age of 29 when I finally let myself go and boy did I.  I developed a friendship that honestly took me by surprise and for the first time in my life I felt like I could do ‘this’.  I could let my guard down and show the imperfect side of me to someone like no one else had never seen before.  I could take the chance and let myself be scared but also be open.  It was terrifying, but it was great.  I showed myself that it was possible.  But just like anytime you do something for the first time, you make mistakes.  And I made a lof of them (I’m actually still making them!)  

I fell for someone unavailable, but this time it wasn’t intentional so at least that was a step in the right direction. (How did I fall for someone unavailable you ask? I got to know him and I fell in love with the person he is, completely ignoringthe fact that he didn’t want to go there with me.  If you ask me, that’s the right way to fall in love because it’s real.  You fall in love for who they are not who you want them to be and not because of a way they feel about you. Anyways…) I had all the naive ideas of what I should do and the person I should be meanwhile not realizing that I just wasn’t being myself.  I became clingy.  I became needy.  I became so ridiculously insecure.  I became so concerned with trying to get him to love me that I missed the point of it all and why I fell in love in the first place.  And now, out of fear, I’m holding on to it because I’m so afraid to let go.  I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get myself to open up again because it didn’t work this time.  I’m afraid to love someone as much as I love him out of fear it won’t be reciprocated.  I’m afraid that I will turn into that weak person again or actually that I’m still that person now.  

But here’s the bright side.  For the first time I am finally recognizing my fears and I’m addressing them head on.  I let myself mess-up.  I let myself learn a lot of valuable lessons.  I’ve overcome beating myself up for not being perfect.  Am I completely there yet?  No.  But will I get there?  Yes.  I know it’s all just been a great experience for me to learn how to be the best I can in a relationship.  I truly believe that I’m a great catch and will be the most loving/understanding/fun wife one day.   Being able to say that and have confidence in what I’m saying is half the battle in overcoming my fear.  Let’s hope it doesn’t take too much longer in conquering the other half!

“All of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who I am” November 12, 2009

I know I talk about my love for music all of the time, but in addition to that I have a real love for movies and television as well.  I was your typical latch key kid growing up.  Both of my parents worked and loved watching TV so they didn’t see a problem with sticking me in front of it all day long.  Don’t get me wrong, I spent a lot of time outdoors either playing with the boys down the street or all by my lonesome (I had the best imagination as a kid!), but I did log countless hours in front of the boob tube.  That brings me to today’s topic. 

I always look for characters I can relate to on film or TV.  Like music, where I look for lyrics, I search for those people who make me feel like I’m watching something I can really understand.  The first time I ever saw a character that really stood out to me was in the John Hughes classic “Some Kind of Wonderful”.   Watts (played by Mary Stuart Masterson) was me.  The tomboy, best friend often overlooked for the ‘hot’ girl.  That’s pretty much still me except that I wear dresses now.   Then came the underappreciated but very enjoyable Ryan Reynolds movie “Definitely, Maybe” where I saw a lot of myself in the Isla Fisher character April.  The quirky girl with her heart set on the fairy tale.  If you take that character and Watts and mold them into one you’ve pretty much got me.   But…

The real ‘me’ I found on television.  The character that says stuff that makes me laugh because I feel like it’s coming out of my own mouth.  I tried denying it was really like me at first cause she annoyed me (how’s that for self-reflection), but it just got to a point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore.  I was actually watching a rerun of the show last night and I couldn’t stop laughing because it really was me.  I am Meredith Grey on Grey’s Anatomy.  She was telling ‘McDreamy” how much work and how hard it was to hate him and she didn’t like it and it made me laugh.  I more than understand exactly what she was saying and I have time and time again. 

I’ve watched the show from day one (I will follow Ronald Miller anywhere [Patrick Dempsey's character from "Can't Buy Me Love" for those that don't know]), so I’ve seen the ups and downs of Meredith and I can relate to them all.  She started out young and naive and ready to take on the world.  She hid behind a wall and let her smile cover her past and her pain.  She fell in love when she wasn’t ready and took a long time to come through it.  She relies on her friends to help her in tough times and she wears her heart on her sleeve.  She often says the wrong things cause she doesn’t know how to say what she feels.  She battled her demons and came out of  them a better person.  She let go of trying to control her life and it all fell into place.  

I find it really refreshing to watch her.  It’s not that I need validation of my feelings or my behavior. It’s just comforting to witness someone go through similar experiences and behaviors.  It makes it feel like the things you question about yourself are all okay.  Even if it’s fictional.  Now all I need is to get married on a post-it note (I LOVED that by the way) and become a surgeon.

“I’ve got a young heart and I don’t wanna get old” November 11, 2009

If you’re having a bad day and you’re in need of a quick, easy smile or pick me up – WATCH THIS VIDEO.  Even if you don’t know who Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers are I guarantee this will make you laugh, smile or just feel a tad bit happier even if it’s just for 3 minutes and 23 seconds. 

 

 

SK6ers make me happy all of the time – just thought I’d spread the love a little. 

 

 

“Somedays I wish I never even spoke” November 6, 2009

This post is going to be very much on the personal side.  I mean, they all are, but this one will go a little deeper than the rest.  I feel like it’s one of those subjects that isn’t often touched upon in a serious matter cause either A) no one wants to talk about it or B) people don’t really understand it.  This is my attempt at shedding some light on an often ignored affliction in hopes that someone can take something good away from it, most importantly myself.  Here it goes…

I suffer from PMS.  Not the usual, oh I get bad cramps and I get a headache, blah, blah, blah.  I get the horrible mood swings and some other not so pleasant things that go along it with (I hope I haven’t scared off any men just yet – this can be helpful to you too).   I literally turn into a different person for about 24 hours.  My hands shake, I cry at the drop of a hat, I can’t control myself or my emotions,  and I get really depressed to the point where I scare myself.  It’s strange cause I literally go to bed happy and then wake up the next morning as if the world fell on my head overnight. I know this sounds really unbelievable and you’re thinking, just snap yourself out of it, of course you can control yourself, but anyone that has gotten really close to me knows that this isn’t the case.   I would give anything to just make it go away but unfortunately it’s not that simple.   

I’ve worked really hard at trying to overcome this for a really long time.  I’ve taken medication that made me a zombie.  I’ve tried holistic remedy after remedy – don’t eat this, eat that, etc.  None of them have worked up until now.  Well, I haven’t ‘cured’ it just yet but I’ve gotten closer to figuring out my solution.  I actually made it through my last cycle without an ‘episode’, as I now refer to them, but sadly I didn’t make it through this time around.  But on the bright side, it made me see exactly what I need to do to help myself. 

It’s so hard to describe, but I literally ‘feel’ the day when it comes.  I wake up with this feeling and it’s like “Oh shit, here we go” (I literally get a tight feeling in my chest as if something has fallen on me).   I used to try to talk myself out of it, but it’s not as easy as it sounds.  I needed to figure out what else needed to go along with it to successfully make it through.  Last cycle, I had been working on my craft project at the time which was a Halloween costume for a friend.  I used to make a mental note of when my day was approaching, but I stopped doing that because I felt it made it worse.  I had been sewing all morning, happy as a clam, when suddenly my hands started to shake.  “Shit” I realized.  Today is THE DAY.  But how come I’m happy?  How come I’m not sitting here crying, furiously typing out some angry email or rampant text message?  What the hell is going on?  Then it hit me.  My mind was completely occupied on something else.  Something I enjoyed (unlike my days at work when the anxiety was ALL I could think about – screw actually working!) 

It was like this huge revelation.  Yes, my hands started to shake and the symptoms were starting to show, but overall I was feeling okay.  I had this moment of clarity where I realized I could fight this.  I popped a piece of chocolate (another discovery that chocolate does help my PMS, especially the shakes) and I went right back to sewing.  I didn’t leave anytime to sit and think about how I was feeling, I just kept on with what I was doing and it calmed me.  I later talked to my mom about my ‘revelation’ and she was like “Why do you think they have arts and crafts in nursing homes and hospitals?” (My mom volunteers doing such activities on a regular basis)  It’s not only giving the people something to do, there’s way more to it and it’s very healing.  Why hadn’t I thought of this before?  Here I was constantly researching drugs, therapy, you name it and it was something as simple as crafting.  Granted, I can’t take one day off of work every month to stay home and craft, but I can do what it takes to figure out to work this new ‘remedy’ into my working life.  It just feels good knowing this is a step in the right direction.

Sadly, I didn’t follow this over my last 24 hours period which just occurred this week.  I felt it happening and I let it.  I was weak.  But on the bright side, I see that now.   Instead of beating myself up today (which I would have done in the past), I’m forgiving myself and moving on.  I’m moving on with the determination that it’s not going to happen next time.  If I have to eat 20 Hershey bars and lock myself in a room somewhere with a sewing machine or a canvas, I’ll do just that.  It’s a baby step process, but at least I know where I’m going and it’s only up from here. 

(I know this is all really ‘mind over matter’ and it isn’t something I just thought up, but for me it was more figuring out what mind I needed to use (so to speak) to overcome the matter).

 

“I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all” November 3, 2009

Twenty years and we’re both still going strong.  June 11, 1989.  That was the first time Bon Jovi ever played Giants Stadium and the first time I ever saw them live.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  The catwalk.  The heat.  Skid Row, Sam Kinison and Billy Squire.  It was like nothing I had ever seen before (this wasn’t my first concert – I was a seasoned vet by the tender age of 10), and probably never will again.  I say this because I will probably never have such an excitement for a show like I did for that one.  Don’t get me wrong.  My first Damnwells show was beyond exciting.  I couldn’t sleep the night before two back to back shows of SK6ers in Boston because I was so pumped.  But to see the first band you loved (okay, worshiped) for the first time in a venue they were playing for the first time, the magnitude of it all was (and is) beyond comparison (you can watch “Bon Jovi – Access All Areas” to see them talk about it -  if you have a VHS player you can borrow my copy!) 

Even though I was only ten, I was already really into music (in my family you’re born into three things – entertainment (meaning music, tv & movies), food and The New York Giants). I remember being in first grade and for show and tell one day I brought in my then favorite cassette tape – Tears for Fears “Songs From the Big Chair” (I was six!)  I had posters on my wall of Duran Duran, Wham (my first concert) and Bananarama.  Then it all happened.  MTV and my cousins introduced me to Bon Jovi and that was it.  They quickly replaced everything else I knew about music and became my one and only.  That’s when I adopted the passion for music that I still have to this day.

I wanted to know everything about them.  I listened to them and only them for hours on end.  And like every young girl, I wanted to marry Jon Bon Jovi.  They were ‘my’ band.  To this day, you can probably ask anyone I went to school with (elementary and beyond) who my band is and they’ll tell you Bon Jovi.  I remember on our 8th grade field trip to Washington D.C., I was sitting on the bus listening to my headphones, when Danny Flanagan came up to me and asked what I was listening to.  “Keep The Faith” was out at the time, so naturally I was listening to that, and Danny said to me –  ”I really admire that you’ve hung in with them all of these years.  Even when people made fun of them, you still liked them and I really respect that”.  Coming from the kid that brought in The Ramones for my 6th grade class to listen to that really meant a lot and it still does. 

That’s what it means to me to be a fan.  You hang in there even when the going gets tough.  No fair-weather nonsense.  Even through the crappy albums (don’t even get me started on “Bounce”), the haircuts, the ’sell-outs’ and the insane ticket prices, you still love them at the end of the day.  I may not listen to Bon Jovi on a fairly regular basis anymore, but that love is always there and always will be.  When I see them (even on TV) it still makes me giddy.  I’m instantly transported back to that day in June of 1989 when I first saw that stage and all of my dreams came true.  Twenty-two shows later, I still enjoy each one like it’s my first and that’s exactly how it will be next May when they open the new Giants (Meadowlands) Stadium and I’ll be right there.  Just like it was twenty years ago.  Although, this time I’m hoping they take a cue from Springsteen’s closing shows and play either “Slippery When Wet” or “New Jersey” in its entirety.  Now that would be a dream come true.